As a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or a circumstance can trigger shame in us, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals or standards. Given that shame can lead us to feel as though our whole self is flawed, bad, or subject to exclusion, it motivates us to hide or to do something to save face. So it is no wonder that shame avoidance can lead to withdrawal or to addictions that attempt to mask its impact.
Shame is often confused with guilt, an emotion we might experience as a result of a wrongdoing about which we might feel remorseful and wish to make amends. Where we will likely have an urge to admit guilt, or talk with others about a situation that left us with guilty feelings, it is much less likely that we will broadcast our shame. In fact, we'll most likely conceal what we feel because shame does not make a distinction between an action and the self. Therefore, with shame, "bad" behavior is not separate from a "bad" self as it is with guilt.
A situation, real or imagined, might trigger a shame response. One may, for example, attack oneself as being inferior in competitive endeavors or believe others will become aware of some concealed flaw. Shame will be felt when we anticipate being viewed as lacking or inadequate in our intellect, appearance, or abilities. For example, a woman who had gained weight had difficulty leaving her house because she wanted to avoid the shame that was triggered by being in public. She devalued herself, and her expectation was that others would judge her harshly.
Attacking others often serves to disown what the shameful person feels. In order to escape shame's self-diminishing effects, expressing contempt toward another person, or shaming them, re-locates one's own shame in the other. A man who anticipated being judged as inadequate, for example, would manipulate the self-esteem of his partner by denigrating her. When she became weak, self-conscious, and needed his approval, he was then more confident, as well as able to blame her for any failure on his part. Relocating one's own shame in another person is a typical self-protective maneuver among narcissists, since at the core of narcissism is unbearable internalized shame that is denied consciousness. Needing to hide a devalued sense of self, narcissists can appear self-inflating or entitled, and provoke envy in people around them.
Shame is contagious if you take on the lethal projections of shame from a partner--especially one who is abusive. In this same way, shame is especially difficult, if not toxic, for children because it is an emotion that is concealed, especially by victims of agressionor abuse. The anticipation of being shamed by peers creates anxiety in a child if he or she is a victim of bullying. As I discussed in a previous post ("Do Bullies Really Have Low-Self-esteem?") shame can be experienced as such a negative, intense emotion of self-loathing that it can lead one to disown it, and, in the case of one who acts like a bully, give it away by evoking that emotion in others. Kids who bully and tease can easily figure out what makes other kids ashamed, and they are highly skilled at triggering the emotion of shame in peers. And this makes shame a contagious emotion.
Children also are subject to the transmission of shame when they are related to someone who is behaving shamefully. When children are emotionally or physically abandoned, abused, or neglected they often take on the shame that belongs to the adult who left or hurt them by assuming that it's because they themselves are the "bad" one. Some children behave in ways that make them culpable for the shame that belongs to their parents.
“Jim helped me stop feeling shame and guilt that others were putting on me unfairly. ”